True story: my parents met at a party in college when my mother, a woman whose affability rivals one of those motion-activated dancing Santas, greeted the man she would one day marry by saying, "Oh, you have a mustache!"
My father replied immediately, "Yeah, so do you."
Two kids and forty years of marriage later, I think we can all agree, without that mustache, my mom would've had to come up with an observation about the beer he was holding or whatever, and my dad's quick wit would've likely resulted in him remarking that she also had a beer, thus rendering his let-me-get-you-a-beer abilities academic, which would've caused an alternate timeline where they never married, and the Axis powers won WWII, even though my parents' first meeting happened well after the Allied victory. Spooky, right?
I don't need an excuse to grow a mustache. Anyone who knows me even casually knows that-- I make sure and say so right away upon first meeting someone. My enthusiasm for mustaches is such that I've sported a beard for the last year or so, reasoning that a beard is technically the maximum mustache a person can have. I'm not bragging, but it totally connects to my sideburns.
Others know the triumph of facial hair, and have wisely made it work towards the Greater Good: "Movember" is a relatively new charitable effort where men around the world enlist sponsors to donate money towards assorted good causes relating to mens' health issues while the men spend the month of November growing mustaches. I don't really know how it works beyond that, but it results in a lot of mustaches, and a lot of pictures of men hugging. Seems pretty straightforward, I guess.
The only downside to having such bold, consistent facial hair is that when an event like Movember rolls around, my choices are either to shrug off a good cause for the sake of my own considerable (and fully justified) vanity and leave myself unshorn, or rob the world of my sweet beard for a few weeks as I shave it down to my radiant, hydrated skin, leaving onlookers yearning for the promise of hyper-masculine rebirth contained within my boyish visage. As an incredibly good-looking gentleman of limitless potential, I know I'll be fine, but it just doesn't seem fair to rob the great unwashed masses of their daily gasp and swoon as I stride confidently by on my walk home.
So this year, rather than risk marring my "money-maker" with worry lines over this matter, I resolved to find a solution that would benefit all parties concerned. Much as it did on that evening so long ago between my parents-to-be, fate's mustache turned gently upwards in a smile, lifting the branches from my path.
Gazing around the office, I was only an eighth of the way through my planned 360 degree inspiration-seeking turn in my chair when the notion struck: I could kill all sorts of birds with one big rock, if I lured them with some croutons and waited on the roof for just the right moment to drop the emergency bolder we keep up there. Also, I had a solution to the whole Movember thing, and would concentrate on executing the plan once I got those damn birds outside to quiet down once and for all.
Everyone's new favorite single-panel strip WuMo is just days in to its run, after enjoying the biggest launch of any strip in our company's history. Since everyone around here is thrilled with the success and eager to keep the momentum a-rollin', why not whip up a batch of brand synergy and devise a new means of promotion that would allow me to leave my stunning looks unaltered?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to WuMovember.
Below are a collection of decorative, temporary mustaches forged from selected WuMo strips, easily printed and cut out to suit any face, even those without noses or lips!
While the actual Movember is a means to promote awareness and raise money towards a variety of issues relating to mens' health, WuMovember seeks only to raise awareness of the fact that you're wearing a silly cartoon mustache taped to your face.
Join our cause-- our mustaches look so much less stupid than most of the mustaches grown by guys who really, really want you to notice their mustaches, and depending on your chosen paper stock, are up to 60% less waxy than actual mustaches.
(Click on any of the following to make 'em nice and/ or big.)
"The Dowdy Falconer"
Unlike other Movembers, WuMovember is gender-neutral, adheres to no cause or charity, and allows you to walk around wearing a fun, paper mustache. Together, we can make a difference.* Keep an eye out for your soulmate!
*A difference between wearing paper mustaches and not, I mean.